I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
