Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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