She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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