I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
