You can't motorboat a personality
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
