I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
