Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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