just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
