Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.