he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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