he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i love accidental penises.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
