btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
