I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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