Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He shit in the fireplace
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
