Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
