sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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