Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
