I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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