either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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