so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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