M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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