she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
