Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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