I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
