Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's shark week go big or go home
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance