i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.