mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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