you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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