Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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