I want to make a zoo with you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.