Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
