You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
