there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
