when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize