I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
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Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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