the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me