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i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
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