my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.