Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse