guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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