I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I skipped work to stalk him.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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