Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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