"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
