Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
