Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
