She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.