The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.