Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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