The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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