I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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