Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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