He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
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was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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