Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
