I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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