dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with