Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.