Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
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Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.